Phenomenal

Phenomenal  The exact words my doctor used today to explain the results of my pelvic exam.  Phenomenal.  Dr. DeGeest is an amazing doctor, but not one to sugar coat anything, which I appreciate.  He is authentic yet hopeful. So when he uses words like phenomenal, you celebrate!

Today I strolled in to the Gyn Oncology building expecting just a routine exam, no news is good news kind of thing.  I was so wrong though.  I got so much more than that.  I got PHENOMENAL news!  My tumor has SHRUNK!  My cervix looks like that of a normal woman, not one with cancer and the tumor is so small that he cannot see it, only feel it.  I've had three pelvic exams since finding out I have cancer.  The first one was bad.  The tumor was visible by eyesight, my cervix was in bad shape, Dr. DeGeest was the only doctor that held out any hope for me.  Second exam, the tumor was still the same size but looked a lot better, my cervix looked a lot better.  Third exam, PHENOMENAL!  (I love how casually I can talk about my cervix now.  Like its just an arm or a leg.  Not that we shouldn't talk about cervix's, it just wasn't something I normally would blog about) .Not only was he impressed at my ability to handle chemo like a champ, but he was so surprised and happy to see how well I am responding to treatment.  He also smirked at me as he said, 'So I hear you are keeping up with your workouts'.  Clearly rumor of my chemo shenanigans is spreading through the hospital.

On this battlefield of cancer there are daily battles, most of which I win.  I won't say I win all of them because that would be a lie, but most of them I come out the victor.  Today was one of those days that takes ALL of the bad days and days of feeling shitty and bundles them up in a box and lights them on fire, or maybe blows them up!  Today was a REALLY good day!

I have a PET scan on 2/25 (next Tuesday) to see if there are any cancer cells remaining in my lymph nodes and to get an exact measurement of the tumor.  Dr. DeGeest said he wouldn't be surprised if the scan showed no cancer in my lymph nodes.  He is not the guy to go around making assumptions about anything, so while I'm not hanging my hat on that, I am really encouraged that he would even say something like that.

At this point chemo will be reviewed and determined round by round.  Round 5 is on March 6th, my brother's birthday.  Round 6 is tentative, but I don't mind going another round as it's working!  I'll go as many rounds as they let me if it results in this cancer being gone!

I still don't know what the future holds treatment wise.  Very likely it will be daily radiation (Mon-Fri) with weekly chemo at a much lower dose and only one drug for 4-6 weeks.  I am a planner so I'm really anxious to find out the plan.  But for now I am going to just celebrate the good news.

I can't think of a way to easily transition this from the above but part of my battlefield has included a most remarkable journey towards finding Christ, becoming a Christian.  I have had the honor and privilege of attending services at Salem Evangelical and Morning Side Community Church.  This Sunday I am going to Church on the Hill.  I so look forward to Sunday church services and have been praying that I find the right church, the church to call home.  On my way to my appointment this morning I turned the radio to 97.9 and this song came on:

 

I heard this song on Sunday at Morning Star and it gave me goosebumps then and it did again today (I love that feeling!).  As I got out of the truck and walked to the hospital I just prayed for healing.  This is new for me, praying, like really praying.  And based on today's appointment I like to say that my prayers were heard and answered!

I am still slowly working my way through the book Beautiful Battlefields, purposefully as I really want to take it all in.  I wrote down this quote from the author, Bo Stern because it just seemed to perfectly describe my experiences on this battlefield.

'But I'm learning that Jesus shows up when we let other people share the sacred spaces of our pain and joy and sorrow, and our willingness to be authentic gives everyone else permission to be authentic as well'

Oh I have More Than Hope, more now than ever before!

My Battlefield

I've debated on whether or not to share this but I am so excited, so amazed, so humbled by how God has shown up in my life recently, how He has spoken to me that I had to share.

I didn't grow up going to church, so my spirituality has always been something I've wanted to explore deeper but never have with any real conviction.  When Liam was born I felt a pull to find a church, go to church.  However I never moved forward, I think I always figured I had time.  I would get to it one of these days.  I didn't listen to what He was trying to tell me.

When I was diagnosed with cancer I felt another pull to really open my heart, my mind, my soul yet it seemed so daunting that I didn't act.  How would I find a church, where would I start, how would I let go of all the questions and just believe, believe in the mystery and the miracles without applying logic to everything?  During this, the darkest season of my life, how would I now pursue a relationship with Him when I felt so betrayed, so forgotten about.

Then my Aunt was struck by a brain aneurysm and I lost my beloved dog all in one day and I finally threw my hands up and cried and said I can't do this by myself.  I was so heart broken and yet I had this feeling that He was trying to tell me something.  Not that my Aunt or Remi were somehow punished by Him, but that He was reaching out, trying to tell me I didn't need to go through this by myself. 

So I listened and He spoke to me through a good friend who reached out and asked if I wanted to go to church with her. This past Sunday I went to church for the first time as an adult.  Here is where I don't even know how to describe my experience because words can't quite capture the feeling, the feeling of knowing He was speaking directly to me.  The message or sermon (still learning the right vocabulary here) was all about physical healing.  How people were healed through Christ of their physical aliments.  Testimony of how people at that very church beat cancer.  I was brought to tears, I had goosebumps.  I was listening and I'm so glad I was because He had so much to tell me, to show me.  I still get goosebumps thinking about it.

He continues to speak to me, to show up in small and big ways in my life and I suppose always has, I just wasn't listening before.  He spoke to me through another good friend who asked me to start reading Beautiful Battlefields (by Bo Stern) with her.  I just finished chapter three and one of the questions at the end of it was to think of all the ways, small and big, you have seen evidence God has gone before you.  I got me thinking about this past year, more so, and it overwhelms me to see how He has gone before me and provided in such a perfect way, providing me with everything I need, when I need it on my battlefield.  Cancer, my battlefield. 

I am trying not to rush this, I am taking time every day to really listen.  My current goal is to find a church that is the perfect fit for me.  I look forward to each Sunday because I am visiting various churches with good friends and I look forward to hearing what He has to tell me, seeing what He has to show me and growing a relationship with Him that I now so deeply crave.

I continue to wage a very personal war on my battlefield against cancer I leave you with a quote and a verse from Beautiful Battlefields because they spoke so profoundly to me.

"And He who is the great Giver of every good gift creates some of the most brilliant and beautiful things in the darkest, most daunting seasons" - Beautiful Battlefields

"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame" ROMANS 5:3-5