Proof

3...2...1...Go! Prove you are not sick, not weak. Remind yourself you are capable, more than capable.  Do what they said you couldn't, can't.  Suffer by choice not by disease. Train the mind, the soul, then the body.  Take 50% and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.  You are better than 50% of your best. Today, yesterday and tomorrow.  Dizzy by design not by meds.  Out of breath not out of effort, will, stubbornness, faith, belief.  Certainly not out of Hope.  

The 2014 Crossfit Open is over, but I am so grateful for it.  Prior to the Open I started to believe what my doctors were telling me.  That I wasn't capable, I wouldn't be.  The Open was and has been a chance to remind myself every week that I am who I decide I am.  I can do what I decide I can do.  I may not be better than I was last year.  I'm different than last year.  I'm I still a stubborn ass, tell me I can't just so I can prove you wrong beast.  But now I've done it with cancer in tow.  I took on cancer 5 weeks, 5 rounds of the Open and I won! I endured 2 rounds of chemo DURING the Open.  Sure, I don't have a muscle up yet, but I completed the Open WITH cancer and I didn't give up.  I pushed through each week, each WOD.  I trained smart, I trained hard.  I sandbagged and I pushed myself, all in a well thought out strategy to successfully get through the Open.

I will always want more out of myself but I'm not sure any future Open, any future competition will ever be as uplifting, as memorable, as good of a finish as doing the Open 2014 with cancer.  

My name is Brittany Gill and I just did what I didn't think I could do 5 weeks ago.  Suck it cancer!

What Next

It's seems one thing that is certain with a cancer diagnosis is uncertainty.  It starts in the very beginning.  How bad is it? What are my odds...wait don't tell me.  How do we treat it? Is treatment working?  What next? How long? 

Round 6 is over.  It tried to knock me back a bit but I'm still standing, in between medicated naps.  First thing before I even got the IV put in is they tell me I'm no longer allowed to have any fun during chemo.  Well boo on them.  I still had fun, just afterwards.  You can't keep me down!

These pictures were taken just after 7 hours of chemo and I felt way better after some foolish shenanigans then I did during 7 hours of sitting and behaving myself.

During chemo I had some struggles. My veins are pretty fried and even the saline solution going in burned a bit.  Towards the end it felt like I was getting stung by a bee repeatedly.  My hand swelled up quite a bit as did the skin around my eyebrows.  I experienced some heart palpitations but all in all I walked out a champ! Round 6 you landed a few good blows but I left victoriously!  I told my nurse if they had just let me have some fun none of the above mentioned would have happened!

Now come lots of naps, meds and more naps.  Before any decisions are made I have another PET/CT scheduled.  Based on the results I will most likely start daily radiation (m-f) and weekly chemo for 4-6 weeks.  I am both excited and nervous for a new course of treatment. I am just praying it works and the words You Are Cancer Free are just around the corner.  Until then we deal with some more uncertainty regarding treatment.  But we will make the most of the time and this mini break from treatment. 

As always, thank you so much for the prayers and support.

Round 6

I've never been electrocuted but I have a feeling I know what the inside of a person's body would feel like who was.  Chemo round 5 knocked me back a few steps.  Humbled me a bit more (not that cancer and chemo in general hadn't humbled me already).  Left me feeling pretty fried from the inside out.  I used to be excited about chemo because it was and is my lifeline.  Today, I am a bit nervous for round 6.  Nervous like I was for Open WOD 14.4.  Not afraid it will win, but nervous because I know the suck, the pain that comes with tackling it, conquering it.  I'll do it and I'll survive it and I'll be stronger after it, but knowing ahead of time the amount of suck you are about to endure can be a bit intimidating.  I will still smile through it though.

The other day someone looked at me in the store and said, you must be a survivor! Ahh so great! Usually people look at me and say, oh, cancer? Haha yupp, cancer.  To have someone think I'm a survivor was such a great compliment! Yes, I am a survivor! Of 5 rounds of chemo, soon to be 6.  Of uncertainty and baldness.  Of no eye lashes and phlebitis and all other cancer related suckiness.  

So bring it round 6.  You make me nervous but I'm not afraid.  3...2...1...Go!

You Suffer For Awhile

It seems crazy to me that almost 4 months have passed since that fateful November 18th day when the C word was introduced in to our daily vocabulary.  I've always had hope, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I also had a lot of fear.  I think I still have fear.  Fear that I'll get too hopeful, fear that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak, fear that when this is over I have to stop being a cancer patient and start being a survivor, fear that I don't really know what the future holds (not that I ever did, but I thought I did). 

One thing cancer has done, one thing battlefields do, is provide perspective.  Perspective on time, on relationships, on priorities.  Things seem to slow down and at the same time, speed up.  Maybe its because when you are knee deep in the battle of your life, for your life, you become all too aware of how short your time here on Earth is.  Each day really is a precious gift and to realize that, I mean really realize that, it adds a bit of pressure to make each day count.  To cherish moments, make memories, get cracking on that to-do list, or maybe toss the to-do list in the trash and just enjoy each moment for what they are, moments in this life here on Earth. 

I started this post a month ago but not until today did I know how to finish it.

I met with a new doctor today about my thyroid disease (not a big deal at all, just needed to get it taken care of) and as she is talking to me she quoted lyrics from Mat Kearney - 'I guess we're all one phone call from our knees'.  She didn't know my whole story but most of it and wow, never a truer statement.  She proceeds to tell me that life changes in an instant and we have to be thankful and grateful for everything we have, every moment we have.  I broke down in tears because not only was she speaking to me literally but I just had this sense, this goose bump inducing feeling that God was speaking to me, through her. 

I originally started this post based on 1 Peter 5:10-11: And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Suffering and being restored.  Not always a straight forward, one time thing.  We go through many cycles of suffering and restoration.  And hopefully we are made stronger each time.  In the end though, we really are just a phone call, a moment, away from our knees.  From suffering for awhile.

In the words of my amazing friend Shaina Jordan, 'I guess heavy is really the only way to describe some things - barbells and life mainly'.

Heavy doesn't mean impossible though.  It's just heavy. 

So we deal with it, with the suffering.  We get stronger, until it isn't all that heavy any more.