More Than Hope

I've decided, and have been encouraged, to start blogging again, about this whole crazy cancer thing.  I know for some of you my words and thoughts may be painful to read, but this is therapeutic for me.  It provides me with a way to journal my thoughts, my story and to keep everyone updated on everything without having to say and type it over and over.  Hearing someone tell you they don't think they can cure you, that you need a miracle, is probably one of the more difficult things a person can ever hear.  To have to repeat that to your loved ones, even harder.

The name of my blog is an important one to me.  More Than Hope.  Hope is a good thing, rooted deeply in Christianity and religion, hope is a great thing.  To me, however, hope implies the possibility of a different outcome.  Hope leaves the door slightly open for the bad.  So I have more than hope.  I have a stubborn conviction, a complete and total confidence that I will beat this.  I have hope, but I have more than hope because there can't be another option.  There is only one option.  I prove everyone wrong and beat this.

Case in point: I knew Liam was a miracle, every child is a miracle.  Today I learned just how much of a miracle he truly is.  I've had cancer for years.  Somehow the standard yearly tests (I seriously never missed a pap) failed me.  Somehow my cancer snuck by, undetected.  The fact that I was able to get pregnant and carry Liam to term, a healthy normal baby is nothing short of a miracle.  My doctor today told me she was surprised my body could support a pregnancy given how advanced my cancer would have been at that time.   Point Me and point Liam!  Already doing things I shouldn't be able to do.

So for the details, in an attempt to answer what questions I can.  We found out I had cervical cancer on November 18th.  Between now and then we have learned that my cancer is stage IIB.  My tumor has extended from my cervix in to my uterus.  Cancer this advanced very rarely presents in women my age.  Even more rare is it not being detected for so long.  While I have not had any biopsies yet, its safe to say the cancer has spread to my lymphatic system.   The biopsy tomorrow will confirm the extent of that.  The good news is that it has not spread to my bladder or rectum (always have to find the silver lining). 

My case is extremely rare.  Like NONE of my doctors have ever seen a women my age (young), in my health (which is impeccable!) present with cancer this advanced all while NEVER having a bad pap smear.  It is extremely difficult to treat because the area in which the tumor and cancer cells have spread is large.  Radiation can be given in small areas with good results, it cannot be given to your entire body and generally isn't given above the diaphragm in large areas (can be targeted to small specific areas).  It can be just as dangerous as the cancer itself to try to treat everywhere.  So the chemo has to come in and treat the cancer cells elsewhere while the radiation treats the pelvic region.  It is also difficult because it is so rare.  Ultimately the doctors do not know exactly how to treat me, there could be multiple approaches and I assume there will be multiple approaches.  We will do radiation and chemo and maybe surgery down the road.  And then who knows.

Chemo starts on Thursday.  The first round will be for 8 weeks.  One chemo infusion a week for 8 weeks.  Radiation may start Thursday as well, but could be pushed to Monday as they are still trying to map out the exact treatment.  Radiation will be 5 days a week for 6 weeks.  Then we retest and revise. 

I kind of like that my doctors haven't seen my case before because it opens up possibilities for anything.  I don't fit the mold of cervical cancer.  I'm not the norm and that's okay.  Because right now and forever, I have more than hope.  I am stubbornly and confidently moving forward with the expectation that against all odds I will win this battle.  There is no other option.

I love all of you.  All of your support, prayers, positive thoughts, encouraging words, offers for help.  It all means more than you can know.  I have such a huge army behind me, I almost feel sorry for this cancer.  It doesn't stand a chance.