Community Lifting

I lay here, not quite laying down, not quite comfortable, not quite sure what to write.  I am hooked up to my power port for non-stop fluids and a cath because standing up seems to induce a seizure-like response causing me to pass out. 

This all sarted around the beginning of August.  My pesky hip flexor and left psoas muscles just wouldn’t let it go.  I sought out my chiropractor, physical massage therapist, went to the ER twice, crippled in pain.  During the last visit to the ER, I was so sick from pain meds and hadn’t been able to hold any food down for five days and was admitted into the Salem Hospital.    

Fast forward to today, I’m not actually able to write by myself and I don’t have the ability to stare at the computer screen long enough or the dexterity to work these apple devices.  Its Wednesday sept 17^th, exactly 2 months and 1 day shy of my initial cancer diagnosis.  And I now sit here weighing words like brain cancer and seizures and malignant psoas syndrome on one side and on the other side what seems like all original markers of being cancer free. 

To say I’m confused is the understatement of the year.  I’ve wanted to sit down so many times since we found this news out and write to explain how I am feeling and keep finding myself with lack of words.   I go back to one of my posts which I discuss how life is about lifting heavy things and you keep lifting until they’re not heavy anymore. 

I’d like to sit down here and scribe through my friend and husband all the thoughts I have contemplated since I heard the words brain cancer.  The funny thing is that it takes all control over your thoughts and in the end it is always a constant reminder of how many people are there for us and in true everyday warrior fashion, no one fights alone. 

Due to my wonderful family, friends and volunteers, everyday warrior will go forward with our first annual battle series and my hope is that my story will help motivate those who are still on the fence to participate.  The money isn’t raised for me or my family, but for those out there who need someone to fight for them and for them to know they aren’t fighting alone.

We appreciate your patience with us as we work through these transitions in an organization so newly founded but now operating at less than half capacity of what we once were.  Please direct any questions to our Facebook page publicly or our e-mail info@everyday-warrior.org  We’ll do our best to follow up with you as soon as we can and we’re so excited that even through all of this we can continue to pursue our mission and that NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE.

Love you all. 

On Perspective

My perspective isn't right, isn't for everyone, isn't better than yours.  It's my perspective.  It has changed and evolved more in the past 6 months in a way most will never know.  And it's so simple.  At the end of the day I just want to be a mom to my son, a wife to my husband, a daughter to my parents, a sister, a friend.  I want to bring more joy and happiness than I take, I want to give more than I receive.  And I want to grow old in these ways, very old.  Everything else is secondary.  

As I continue to grow in my faith and religion I find myself at an interesting and difficult juncture.  I am faithful, I believe.  However I can't just openly trust in God's will because what if his will isn't for me to beat this.  I don't know His will for me, His plan for me and I'm not willing to accept anything less than me beating this.  So therein lies the challenge.  I voiced this struggle at church this past week and a good friend simply stated to me that we still have some power to influence our outcome.  We have some control.  And as a control freak, that was just what I needed to hear.  Cancer seeks to take control away.  And I think some let it.  I won't.  When I pray I pray for strength and grace and endurance.  To beat this, not to live with it, but to beat it.

On Memorial Day, 30 minutes in to a grueling workout named Murph, to honor the sacrifice of both one and many, I found myself in this exact same spot of blind faith and control.  Of accepting my circumstances and fighting to change them.  Laying face down on the floor, resting between push ups, the tears starting flowing.  Body shaking, ugly face crying tears.  Not because I couldn't do the workout, couldn't finish it, but because I could and I would.  Because in that very moment I felt this overwhelming, clear as day thought wash over me.  If I can do this I won't die from cancer.  If I can run 1 mile, do 100 pullups, 200 push-ups and 300 squats, then run another mile AFTER starting back on chemo and radiation then I will also beat cancer. 

As I laid there in a pool of my own sweat, after having asked a dear friend if my eyebrows were running, crying, I heard one thing: Come on Brit, you can do this.  So I did.  

Everyday Warrior - No One Fights Alone

The battle of life, is, in most cases, fought uphill; and to win it without a struggle were perhaps to win it without honor.  If there were no difficulties there would be no success; if there were nothing to struggle for, there would be nothing to be achieved - Samuel Smiles

Oh the struggles I, no we, have encountered in the past 5 1/2 months.  They are numerous, exhausting and oddly motivating.  I didn't know I was a warrior.  I had no idea how strong I was, I am, until all of this cancer talk started.  I was just an everyday person.  Raise my son, go to work, love my husband, take care of household chores, have some fun.  Everyday person.  5 1/2 months ago I found my inner warrior and I haven't looked back.  I'm a bad patient, an awful patient.  I don't believe I am limited by anything more than my mind, and sometimes post surgical instructions.  I don't always kick ass, but I kick ass on more days than days I don't kick ass.  At least that's my opinion of myself right now.  I have been blessed with an amazing support system through all of this which enables me to fight with everything I have to beat cancer.  It is this support system, and this warrior mentality, that has been an ever present theme in every struggle, every blow of bad news, every frustrating call to insurance companies and doctors offices.  It is what I hope to inspire in others.  The warrior spirit.

Matt and I began talking about starting a non-profit almost as soon as I was diagnosed.  It was something we had brought up over the past few years but never really had a clear direction, a clear cause and so it was nothing more than someday talks.  Once I was diagnosed, it became clear that the focus would be cancer.  The statistics of cancer diagnosis in America are staggering and now that I part of the cancer crowd, we had our insider.  However, we still didn't have a clear idea of what we wanted to do, or when.  That was until I found out that as of May 16th I will no longer have a job.  No ill feelings towards my company, they have been great, but I am still losing my job because of my diagnosis.  Our cause, our mission became crystal clear.  We wanted to be able to help financially support individuals fighting cancer so that they could focus on healing instead of financial burdens.  Everyday Warrior (Everyday-Warrior.org) was born from this last struggle of losing my job.  Sometimes struggles are motivating!

Everyday Warrior is a non-profit organization whose mission is to financially support, inspire and empower individuals who have been diagnosed with cancer, the Everyday Warriors among us.  We are in the beginning phases of planning for a large fundraising event that will take place this fall (sign up on our website to be notified when the new site is up and running!).  We are beyond excited to be moving forward on what will be a most amazing experience.  It is my personal experience that mental fortitude and the warrior spirit are paramount in the fight to beat cancer and if we can inspire just one person to find their inner warrior then I will call this a success.  If we can help just one person with the financial struggles that accompany any good cancer fight, then Everyday Warrior will be a success. 

Everyday Warrior - No One Fights Alone

Blessed To Attempt

Thursday brought the best news we've received in quite some time.  My lymph nodes are cancer free and my tumor has continued to shrink.  Other than being told I'm victorious, I beat cancer, this is about as good as it gets as far as cancer doctors appointments go and cancer updates go.

Never wanting to get ahead of myself I refuse to celebrate until I have total victory, but I was feeling pretty happy and strong and determined that I could PR my clean today.  What better way to say Fuck Cancer than to PR a lift?! 200# here I come! 

Or not.  It didn't happen today and not for lack of trying that's for sure.  With each failed attempt I got more frustrated but in the back of my mind I just kept thinking how blessed I was.  Blessed to be strong enough to be attempting 200#, probably 10+ times.  I didn't get it today and that sucks because I know I will be getting a port in the next week or so and will be fairly restricted, for sure from catching 200# in the front rack, AKA where the port will be, position. But you know what? I'm strong enough to be attempting it and for that I am so thankful.  I'm not wasting away in cancer land, I am thriving and surviving and winning. I'm mentally strong enough to push myself, to beat cancer and throw some big weights around while I do it.

We have also entered hair watch 2014.  Now that I am done with the Taxol my hair should start growing back.  I've been told by a good friend that I have entered the phase where I have enough hair that people look at me and question why I shaved my head and possibly want to fight me because I look angry and aggressive with a shaved head.  I'll take it! Sure, I have a few bald spots but I have a soft fuzzy head of hair growing in (says another friend as she pets me).  I also have teeny tiny eyelashes and eyebrows coming in.  So Hair Watch 2014 here we are! I can't tell you how excited I am to have eyebrows and eyelashes and hair.  You really take for granted all these things until one day you wake up and you look like a cancer patient.  Or when allergy season starts and you are effected for the first time because you don't have eyelashes or nose hairs to filter out all the allergens.  

This next phase of treatment may very well be more challenging than the first but as always I have More Than Hope and hair regrowth and faith and family and friends who are fighting alongside me.  And strength.  I'm pretty damn strong for a cancer patient. 

Proof

3...2...1...Go! Prove you are not sick, not weak. Remind yourself you are capable, more than capable.  Do what they said you couldn't, can't.  Suffer by choice not by disease. Train the mind, the soul, then the body.  Take 50% and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.  You are better than 50% of your best. Today, yesterday and tomorrow.  Dizzy by design not by meds.  Out of breath not out of effort, will, stubbornness, faith, belief.  Certainly not out of Hope.  

The 2014 Crossfit Open is over, but I am so grateful for it.  Prior to the Open I started to believe what my doctors were telling me.  That I wasn't capable, I wouldn't be.  The Open was and has been a chance to remind myself every week that I am who I decide I am.  I can do what I decide I can do.  I may not be better than I was last year.  I'm different than last year.  I'm I still a stubborn ass, tell me I can't just so I can prove you wrong beast.  But now I've done it with cancer in tow.  I took on cancer 5 weeks, 5 rounds of the Open and I won! I endured 2 rounds of chemo DURING the Open.  Sure, I don't have a muscle up yet, but I completed the Open WITH cancer and I didn't give up.  I pushed through each week, each WOD.  I trained smart, I trained hard.  I sandbagged and I pushed myself, all in a well thought out strategy to successfully get through the Open.

I will always want more out of myself but I'm not sure any future Open, any future competition will ever be as uplifting, as memorable, as good of a finish as doing the Open 2014 with cancer.  

My name is Brittany Gill and I just did what I didn't think I could do 5 weeks ago.  Suck it cancer!

What Next

It's seems one thing that is certain with a cancer diagnosis is uncertainty.  It starts in the very beginning.  How bad is it? What are my odds...wait don't tell me.  How do we treat it? Is treatment working?  What next? How long? 

Round 6 is over.  It tried to knock me back a bit but I'm still standing, in between medicated naps.  First thing before I even got the IV put in is they tell me I'm no longer allowed to have any fun during chemo.  Well boo on them.  I still had fun, just afterwards.  You can't keep me down!

These pictures were taken just after 7 hours of chemo and I felt way better after some foolish shenanigans then I did during 7 hours of sitting and behaving myself.

During chemo I had some struggles. My veins are pretty fried and even the saline solution going in burned a bit.  Towards the end it felt like I was getting stung by a bee repeatedly.  My hand swelled up quite a bit as did the skin around my eyebrows.  I experienced some heart palpitations but all in all I walked out a champ! Round 6 you landed a few good blows but I left victoriously!  I told my nurse if they had just let me have some fun none of the above mentioned would have happened!

Now come lots of naps, meds and more naps.  Before any decisions are made I have another PET/CT scheduled.  Based on the results I will most likely start daily radiation (m-f) and weekly chemo for 4-6 weeks.  I am both excited and nervous for a new course of treatment. I am just praying it works and the words You Are Cancer Free are just around the corner.  Until then we deal with some more uncertainty regarding treatment.  But we will make the most of the time and this mini break from treatment. 

As always, thank you so much for the prayers and support.

Round 6

I've never been electrocuted but I have a feeling I know what the inside of a person's body would feel like who was.  Chemo round 5 knocked me back a few steps.  Humbled me a bit more (not that cancer and chemo in general hadn't humbled me already).  Left me feeling pretty fried from the inside out.  I used to be excited about chemo because it was and is my lifeline.  Today, I am a bit nervous for round 6.  Nervous like I was for Open WOD 14.4.  Not afraid it will win, but nervous because I know the suck, the pain that comes with tackling it, conquering it.  I'll do it and I'll survive it and I'll be stronger after it, but knowing ahead of time the amount of suck you are about to endure can be a bit intimidating.  I will still smile through it though.

The other day someone looked at me in the store and said, you must be a survivor! Ahh so great! Usually people look at me and say, oh, cancer? Haha yupp, cancer.  To have someone think I'm a survivor was such a great compliment! Yes, I am a survivor! Of 5 rounds of chemo, soon to be 6.  Of uncertainty and baldness.  Of no eye lashes and phlebitis and all other cancer related suckiness.  

So bring it round 6.  You make me nervous but I'm not afraid.  3...2...1...Go!