On Perspective

My perspective isn't right, isn't for everyone, isn't better than yours.  It's my perspective.  It has changed and evolved more in the past 6 months in a way most will never know.  And it's so simple.  At the end of the day I just want to be a mom to my son, a wife to my husband, a daughter to my parents, a sister, a friend.  I want to bring more joy and happiness than I take, I want to give more than I receive.  And I want to grow old in these ways, very old.  Everything else is secondary.  

As I continue to grow in my faith and religion I find myself at an interesting and difficult juncture.  I am faithful, I believe.  However I can't just openly trust in God's will because what if his will isn't for me to beat this.  I don't know His will for me, His plan for me and I'm not willing to accept anything less than me beating this.  So therein lies the challenge.  I voiced this struggle at church this past week and a good friend simply stated to me that we still have some power to influence our outcome.  We have some control.  And as a control freak, that was just what I needed to hear.  Cancer seeks to take control away.  And I think some let it.  I won't.  When I pray I pray for strength and grace and endurance.  To beat this, not to live with it, but to beat it.

On Memorial Day, 30 minutes in to a grueling workout named Murph, to honor the sacrifice of both one and many, I found myself in this exact same spot of blind faith and control.  Of accepting my circumstances and fighting to change them.  Laying face down on the floor, resting between push ups, the tears starting flowing.  Body shaking, ugly face crying tears.  Not because I couldn't do the workout, couldn't finish it, but because I could and I would.  Because in that very moment I felt this overwhelming, clear as day thought wash over me.  If I can do this I won't die from cancer.  If I can run 1 mile, do 100 pullups, 200 push-ups and 300 squats, then run another mile AFTER starting back on chemo and radiation then I will also beat cancer. 

As I laid there in a pool of my own sweat, after having asked a dear friend if my eyebrows were running, crying, I heard one thing: Come on Brit, you can do this.  So I did.  

You Suffer For Awhile

It seems crazy to me that almost 4 months have passed since that fateful November 18th day when the C word was introduced in to our daily vocabulary.  I've always had hope, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I also had a lot of fear.  I think I still have fear.  Fear that I'll get too hopeful, fear that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak, fear that when this is over I have to stop being a cancer patient and start being a survivor, fear that I don't really know what the future holds (not that I ever did, but I thought I did). 

One thing cancer has done, one thing battlefields do, is provide perspective.  Perspective on time, on relationships, on priorities.  Things seem to slow down and at the same time, speed up.  Maybe its because when you are knee deep in the battle of your life, for your life, you become all too aware of how short your time here on Earth is.  Each day really is a precious gift and to realize that, I mean really realize that, it adds a bit of pressure to make each day count.  To cherish moments, make memories, get cracking on that to-do list, or maybe toss the to-do list in the trash and just enjoy each moment for what they are, moments in this life here on Earth. 

I started this post a month ago but not until today did I know how to finish it.

I met with a new doctor today about my thyroid disease (not a big deal at all, just needed to get it taken care of) and as she is talking to me she quoted lyrics from Mat Kearney - 'I guess we're all one phone call from our knees'.  She didn't know my whole story but most of it and wow, never a truer statement.  She proceeds to tell me that life changes in an instant and we have to be thankful and grateful for everything we have, every moment we have.  I broke down in tears because not only was she speaking to me literally but I just had this sense, this goose bump inducing feeling that God was speaking to me, through her. 

I originally started this post based on 1 Peter 5:10-11: And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Suffering and being restored.  Not always a straight forward, one time thing.  We go through many cycles of suffering and restoration.  And hopefully we are made stronger each time.  In the end though, we really are just a phone call, a moment, away from our knees.  From suffering for awhile.

In the words of my amazing friend Shaina Jordan, 'I guess heavy is really the only way to describe some things - barbells and life mainly'.

Heavy doesn't mean impossible though.  It's just heavy. 

So we deal with it, with the suffering.  We get stronger, until it isn't all that heavy any more.

Phenomenal

Phenomenal  The exact words my doctor used today to explain the results of my pelvic exam.  Phenomenal.  Dr. DeGeest is an amazing doctor, but not one to sugar coat anything, which I appreciate.  He is authentic yet hopeful. So when he uses words like phenomenal, you celebrate!

Today I strolled in to the Gyn Oncology building expecting just a routine exam, no news is good news kind of thing.  I was so wrong though.  I got so much more than that.  I got PHENOMENAL news!  My tumor has SHRUNK!  My cervix looks like that of a normal woman, not one with cancer and the tumor is so small that he cannot see it, only feel it.  I've had three pelvic exams since finding out I have cancer.  The first one was bad.  The tumor was visible by eyesight, my cervix was in bad shape, Dr. DeGeest was the only doctor that held out any hope for me.  Second exam, the tumor was still the same size but looked a lot better, my cervix looked a lot better.  Third exam, PHENOMENAL!  (I love how casually I can talk about my cervix now.  Like its just an arm or a leg.  Not that we shouldn't talk about cervix's, it just wasn't something I normally would blog about) .Not only was he impressed at my ability to handle chemo like a champ, but he was so surprised and happy to see how well I am responding to treatment.  He also smirked at me as he said, 'So I hear you are keeping up with your workouts'.  Clearly rumor of my chemo shenanigans is spreading through the hospital.

On this battlefield of cancer there are daily battles, most of which I win.  I won't say I win all of them because that would be a lie, but most of them I come out the victor.  Today was one of those days that takes ALL of the bad days and days of feeling shitty and bundles them up in a box and lights them on fire, or maybe blows them up!  Today was a REALLY good day!

I have a PET scan on 2/25 (next Tuesday) to see if there are any cancer cells remaining in my lymph nodes and to get an exact measurement of the tumor.  Dr. DeGeest said he wouldn't be surprised if the scan showed no cancer in my lymph nodes.  He is not the guy to go around making assumptions about anything, so while I'm not hanging my hat on that, I am really encouraged that he would even say something like that.

At this point chemo will be reviewed and determined round by round.  Round 5 is on March 6th, my brother's birthday.  Round 6 is tentative, but I don't mind going another round as it's working!  I'll go as many rounds as they let me if it results in this cancer being gone!

I still don't know what the future holds treatment wise.  Very likely it will be daily radiation (Mon-Fri) with weekly chemo at a much lower dose and only one drug for 4-6 weeks.  I am a planner so I'm really anxious to find out the plan.  But for now I am going to just celebrate the good news.

I can't think of a way to easily transition this from the above but part of my battlefield has included a most remarkable journey towards finding Christ, becoming a Christian.  I have had the honor and privilege of attending services at Salem Evangelical and Morning Side Community Church.  This Sunday I am going to Church on the Hill.  I so look forward to Sunday church services and have been praying that I find the right church, the church to call home.  On my way to my appointment this morning I turned the radio to 97.9 and this song came on:

 

I heard this song on Sunday at Morning Star and it gave me goosebumps then and it did again today (I love that feeling!).  As I got out of the truck and walked to the hospital I just prayed for healing.  This is new for me, praying, like really praying.  And based on today's appointment I like to say that my prayers were heard and answered!

I am still slowly working my way through the book Beautiful Battlefields, purposefully as I really want to take it all in.  I wrote down this quote from the author, Bo Stern because it just seemed to perfectly describe my experiences on this battlefield.

'But I'm learning that Jesus shows up when we let other people share the sacred spaces of our pain and joy and sorrow, and our willingness to be authentic gives everyone else permission to be authentic as well'

Oh I have More Than Hope, more now than ever before!

Allowing Myself Bad Days

I've been really struggling these past few days and I have kept mostly quite about it because I kind of just wanted to have a bad day, or a few bad days.  It's exhausting being positive all the time.  I know that sounds bad, but its true.  There are days when I really am positive and strong and awesome, more days than not.  There are days when I fake it until I believe it.  And then there are days when I'm emotionally and mentally just low.  I selfishly keep these days mostly to myself (can't hide from everyone though, Matt sees right through me) because I don't want anyone to try and cheer me up.  I don't want anyone to tell me how strong I am, tell me what an inspiration I am, tell me at least you __fill in the blank__.  I know I'm strong, I know I'm going to be okay, but in these moments, these days, I just want to allow myself, and be allowed, to feel how I feel.

I don't complain often, I don't want to.  I am positive, I am a fighter, I am strong, but right now I just want to complain for a few minutes.  Crossfit has been a big part of my life for over three years and has always been a place of empowerment.  Even on bad days in the gym I knew I was making progress, getting stronger, better.  It's different now though.  I'm not getting stronger.  I am getting weaker and at first it was humbling.  Now it is frustrating and annoying and maddening and stupid.  The chemo treatments are eating away at my muscle and taking away my lung capacity.  I LITERALLY cannot do today what I could do two months ago, and it pisses me off!  It's not a matter of working harder, mind over body; it's out of my control and I'm struggling with it.  Here is where someone says, yes but at least you are going.  And this is where I roll my eyes because they just don't get it.  I was always going, not going isn't an option.  Just let me be frustrated, you would be too.

I also have to deal with this pesky thing called phlebitis.  Basically, the veins where I've had chemo get hard and swollen and tender and red and inflamed.  It hurts to hold anything, to even have a sleeve touch my arm.  It seems to happen randomly, although is possibly tied to pull-ups.  I basically end up doing everything with one arm until it goes away because it is that painful.  The alternative is getting a port put in, a permanent line in my chest.  I only have three more rounds to go for the current course of treatment so I am going to be stubborn and stick it out, for now.

I wake up and my eyes are filled with eyelashes and eyebrows.  It hurts, it never feels good to have an eyelash in your eye, let alone several at a time.  And I never seem to catch them to make a wish, they are in my eye and then they are gone.  My head is constantly irritated, like my skin and the few hairs I have left are at war with each other.  It hurts, its annoying, it makes me self conscious.  My nose is painfully dry, bleeds every day.  I'm tired during the day and have insomnia at night.  I isolate myself because I don't have the energy to go do much and then I sit and few bad about the fact that I feel isolated.

I'm restless, I'm done, I want to move on.  I'm a planner and a control freak.  I don't know what's next after chemo round 6 is over and it really bothers me.  Radiation? Sure, but how much, for how long and when? More chemo?  Maybe.  Surgery? Unsure.

In my mind I've beaten this so why can't I just move on? 

I feel better.  I do.  I needed to vent, to be mad and upset and annoyed and sad and lonely.  If you know me at all, if you get me at all, then you know that this just needed to happen.  I just needed to lose my shit so that I can get my shit back together again and have a better day tomorrow. 

I am allowing myself to have these feelings, have a bad day and unfortunately that means all of you have to allow it as well.  Sometimes, being there for someone just means allowing them to feel what it is they are feeling without trying to fix it or make the feelings go away.  Its not easy, but it is appreciated.

As always, More Than Hope!  Halfway done with this chemo, no idea what's next, but I have More Than Hope.

On The Fighters Spirit

Life is filled with people who for a specific reason, season or lifetime enter our lives and leave such a lasting impact on us that we never forget them.  I have so many of these such people that I can't possibly write about each of them, but I am confident they know who they are and are okay with that.  In this season of my life, the cancer season, I have met so many people who love and support our family.  I have met cancer survivors and fighters, amazing people all around me.

During chemo round 2 I met Juan.  He smiled and laughed while I did my pistol picture, told me he would work out with me and we discovered we would have chemo together today.

 I packed up the dumbbells from CFS and headed in to chemo today having no idea the experience I would have.  Juan and his wife were there as promised and we all moved to a new area so we could sit together and talk.  Cindy, Kristina, and I joked around with Juan, laughed, acted like idiots, made chemo gang signs, took funny pictures, trash talked over who would finish chemo first (I finally won!) and made the most of what I refuse to allow to be a sad day.  

Quick set of 5 curls with our good/non-IV arms

Feel the burn!

My chemo gang sign (I had 3 chemo drugs, he only had 2).

Apparently his sad face from losing to me during chemo today!

Chemo day is just another day and one that is positive and ridiculous in a what lifts can I do with an IV pole kind of way.  However as I talked with Juan I learned that chemo day is also about chance encounters and meeting people who are fighters, fighters like me.  See we had all assumed Juan wasn't in there for something all that serious (on the cancer scale of seriousness that is).  He was too happy, too outgoing.  He just didn't act the part, the cancer part.  However it turns out that over a year ago Juan was diagnosed with brain, lung and bone cancer.  His doctor told him it was terminal and as he was checked in to the ICU they told him he wouldn't be leaving there alive.  As he is telling me this he looks me in the eye and told me 'I told them, I'm going home, I'm leaving here'.  As we talked he would look at me and say things like 'You and me, we're fighters, we will be ok'.  

He had radiation on his brain, lungs and hips and today was his fourth and final round of chemo for this treatment. He found out yesterday that he has NO tumors left in his brain, all but two very small spots are gone in his lung.  He is a fighter and fought and is winning!  Juan is an inspiration to me and I'm sure to the girls (Cindy and Kristina) and I hope is a mirror reflection of me and the fighter I know I am.  His energy was so positive and uplifting and it was so obvious that he embodies the fighters spirit.  I know Juan will be a friend for life and I so grateful that someone like him crossed my path.

Easing In To My Thirties

It wasn't long ago (although it was pre-cancer) I was telling Matt I wanted a big celebration for our 30th birthdays.  Mexico! Or maybe Vegas! I wanted something big and loud and crazy to say goodbye to my twenties and hello to my thirties.  Our birthdays were anything but big and loud and crazy this  year and you know what? They were perfect!

Life has a way of pushing you, testing you, trying to break you and then giving you just what you need to do it all over again.  Earlier in the week Matt and I (and Po) escaped to the beach, my first time ever leaving Liam overnight! It was quite, peaceful, full of reflection and conversation.  In the midst of our pain and sadness it was the perfect get away.  

This year my birthday marked two months exactly since hearing the C word yet it felt much further away than that.  Plans for my birthday were simple and quite and spent with family and friends.  As I sit here this morning, now in my thirties, I realize that I no longer needed a way to mourn getting older.  Instead I'm celebrating it and what it means.  It means another day, another year, another decade (many many more decades) I can spend with the people and animals (can't leave them out!) that I love.  Getting older means I'm alive and that's a beautiful thing!  I might be sick right (virus sick, not cancer sick) now but within me burns this fire and passion for life that I can literally feel coursing through my body.  

Chemo round 3 is this week.  I am ready for it, possibly excited for it because I know it's working.  I believe it's working and I have physical evidence that it's working.  I welcome my thirties, I welcome chemo and good news and the highs and lows that come with life.  My motto remains the same, More Than Hope.

Choosing a good day

I haven't had a good nights sleep, well since Nov 18, 2013.  And with this cough, it has been the worse yet.  However this morning I woke up before my alarm, ah I mean Liam, feeling rested, renewed, happy.  I still have the cough, all the bad things are still right there in the shadows, but I woke up filled with this light, happy, fuck anyone or anything who tries to get me or my family down feeling.

I don't think I fully understood the weight I was carrying, waiting for that appt yesterday, preparing for bad news.  That weight has been lifted and a crazy amount of fuel has been added to my fire.  I want to go overdose on green shake and go play outside with Liam! Today is a good day!

I have an anonymous good deed Matt and I are working on, two actually and they make my heart SING!! Just because we need help during this season of our life doesn't mean others don't as well. Each day I chose happiness and use anything else as fuel for my fire. For as much as my heart hurts and has hurt this week I have that much more fuel in the tank, and that's a lot!

I try not to be the sappy friend or the know it all because I have cancer friend but one thing I know to be true is this: Life is full of choices and seemingly random events that 'happen' to us.  We can't clearly see our path on most days and we can't begin to understand why things happen the way they do.  We CAN chose how we respond, how we react.  We chose our attitude. Those choices effect not only ourselves but everyone and everything around you. Chose to focus on the negative and chances are that is all you will feel and see.  Chose to focus on the positive, even on days when it seems almost impossible to find it and that is all you will feel and see.  We have this one life here on earth and it's purpose is bigger than any of us can imagne and what comes next...well I think it's a reflection of how we lived and loved here.

Each day, each moment we have a choice and if I can teach anyone anything my hope is that you learn to find and embrace the positive and fight like hell for what's important! Life is a lot better when lived that way. 

Avoiding The Bus

Every time someone tells me I am strong, I am an inspiration, I am their motivation I think about those people that are my inspiration, my motivation, who I look up to as being strong.  I have a lot of them, but this post isn't about me.  It's about a wonderful young girl turned amazing young lady I met through Crossfit a few years ago. 

Jaden Lynch.  From the minute I met her I could see how strong she was, how powerful she was, how genuine and amazing she was.  Jaden is 15, in 2011 she was diagnosed with severe aplastic anemia and has been fighting the disease ever since.  I don't know the extent of her treatment or her disease.  What I do know is that she isn't defined by it.  She lives life to the fullest and likely has no idea the impact she has on those around her, people like me.  I remember her time and time again coming in to the box with her parents with a smile on her face, working out, getting stronger.  One day she was in there doing pullups with a boot on her broken foot!  She inspires me, she gives me hope, and she wrote the following essay for school which her mom sent to me yesterday and I just had to share with everyone:

Why I Lift
It is just like any other day at the gym, I finish my WOD and collapse on the floor. As I lay on the stall mats trying to regain my breath I think to myself "Why do I do this, why do I lift." I lift to reach my limit. I lift to spend time with my family. I lift to have control. I lift to understand the movements of life. I lift in preparation. I lift although I know I can never be limitless. I lift to give life, to have life, and to live life to the fullest of my capabilities. I lift to promote. I lift to overcome pain and suffering and disease. I lift because I never thought I could. I lift out of anger. I lift to avoid. I lift because I am weak. I lift because I am strong. I lift when words aren't enough. I lift into aggravation. I lift when nothing can get any worse. I lift to love. I lift because it makes me feel loved. I lift to achieve the goals I have set for myself and for those that have been placed upon me. I lift because I can and nobody can ever take the ability away from me.

This family is also an inspiration and shared their motto with me, which Matt and I really like and are adopting.

It's not getting us today & likely not tomorrow so let's make the most of it and try not to get hit by a bus while we are busy living today.

Here's to making the most out of each day and avoiding the bus!