What Next

It's seems one thing that is certain with a cancer diagnosis is uncertainty.  It starts in the very beginning.  How bad is it? What are my odds...wait don't tell me.  How do we treat it? Is treatment working?  What next? How long? 

Round 6 is over.  It tried to knock me back a bit but I'm still standing, in between medicated naps.  First thing before I even got the IV put in is they tell me I'm no longer allowed to have any fun during chemo.  Well boo on them.  I still had fun, just afterwards.  You can't keep me down!

These pictures were taken just after 7 hours of chemo and I felt way better after some foolish shenanigans then I did during 7 hours of sitting and behaving myself.

During chemo I had some struggles. My veins are pretty fried and even the saline solution going in burned a bit.  Towards the end it felt like I was getting stung by a bee repeatedly.  My hand swelled up quite a bit as did the skin around my eyebrows.  I experienced some heart palpitations but all in all I walked out a champ! Round 6 you landed a few good blows but I left victoriously!  I told my nurse if they had just let me have some fun none of the above mentioned would have happened!

Now come lots of naps, meds and more naps.  Before any decisions are made I have another PET/CT scheduled.  Based on the results I will most likely start daily radiation (m-f) and weekly chemo for 4-6 weeks.  I am both excited and nervous for a new course of treatment. I am just praying it works and the words You Are Cancer Free are just around the corner.  Until then we deal with some more uncertainty regarding treatment.  But we will make the most of the time and this mini break from treatment. 

As always, thank you so much for the prayers and support.

Round 6

I've never been electrocuted but I have a feeling I know what the inside of a person's body would feel like who was.  Chemo round 5 knocked me back a few steps.  Humbled me a bit more (not that cancer and chemo in general hadn't humbled me already).  Left me feeling pretty fried from the inside out.  I used to be excited about chemo because it was and is my lifeline.  Today, I am a bit nervous for round 6.  Nervous like I was for Open WOD 14.4.  Not afraid it will win, but nervous because I know the suck, the pain that comes with tackling it, conquering it.  I'll do it and I'll survive it and I'll be stronger after it, but knowing ahead of time the amount of suck you are about to endure can be a bit intimidating.  I will still smile through it though.

The other day someone looked at me in the store and said, you must be a survivor! Ahh so great! Usually people look at me and say, oh, cancer? Haha yupp, cancer.  To have someone think I'm a survivor was such a great compliment! Yes, I am a survivor! Of 5 rounds of chemo, soon to be 6.  Of uncertainty and baldness.  Of no eye lashes and phlebitis and all other cancer related suckiness.  

So bring it round 6.  You make me nervous but I'm not afraid.  3...2...1...Go!

You Suffer For Awhile

It seems crazy to me that almost 4 months have passed since that fateful November 18th day when the C word was introduced in to our daily vocabulary.  I've always had hope, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I also had a lot of fear.  I think I still have fear.  Fear that I'll get too hopeful, fear that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak, fear that when this is over I have to stop being a cancer patient and start being a survivor, fear that I don't really know what the future holds (not that I ever did, but I thought I did). 

One thing cancer has done, one thing battlefields do, is provide perspective.  Perspective on time, on relationships, on priorities.  Things seem to slow down and at the same time, speed up.  Maybe its because when you are knee deep in the battle of your life, for your life, you become all too aware of how short your time here on Earth is.  Each day really is a precious gift and to realize that, I mean really realize that, it adds a bit of pressure to make each day count.  To cherish moments, make memories, get cracking on that to-do list, or maybe toss the to-do list in the trash and just enjoy each moment for what they are, moments in this life here on Earth. 

I started this post a month ago but not until today did I know how to finish it.

I met with a new doctor today about my thyroid disease (not a big deal at all, just needed to get it taken care of) and as she is talking to me she quoted lyrics from Mat Kearney - 'I guess we're all one phone call from our knees'.  She didn't know my whole story but most of it and wow, never a truer statement.  She proceeds to tell me that life changes in an instant and we have to be thankful and grateful for everything we have, every moment we have.  I broke down in tears because not only was she speaking to me literally but I just had this sense, this goose bump inducing feeling that God was speaking to me, through her. 

I originally started this post based on 1 Peter 5:10-11: And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  To Him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

Suffering and being restored.  Not always a straight forward, one time thing.  We go through many cycles of suffering and restoration.  And hopefully we are made stronger each time.  In the end though, we really are just a phone call, a moment, away from our knees.  From suffering for awhile.

In the words of my amazing friend Shaina Jordan, 'I guess heavy is really the only way to describe some things - barbells and life mainly'.

Heavy doesn't mean impossible though.  It's just heavy. 

So we deal with it, with the suffering.  We get stronger, until it isn't all that heavy any more.

Phenomenal

Phenomenal  The exact words my doctor used today to explain the results of my pelvic exam.  Phenomenal.  Dr. DeGeest is an amazing doctor, but not one to sugar coat anything, which I appreciate.  He is authentic yet hopeful. So when he uses words like phenomenal, you celebrate!

Today I strolled in to the Gyn Oncology building expecting just a routine exam, no news is good news kind of thing.  I was so wrong though.  I got so much more than that.  I got PHENOMENAL news!  My tumor has SHRUNK!  My cervix looks like that of a normal woman, not one with cancer and the tumor is so small that he cannot see it, only feel it.  I've had three pelvic exams since finding out I have cancer.  The first one was bad.  The tumor was visible by eyesight, my cervix was in bad shape, Dr. DeGeest was the only doctor that held out any hope for me.  Second exam, the tumor was still the same size but looked a lot better, my cervix looked a lot better.  Third exam, PHENOMENAL!  (I love how casually I can talk about my cervix now.  Like its just an arm or a leg.  Not that we shouldn't talk about cervix's, it just wasn't something I normally would blog about) .Not only was he impressed at my ability to handle chemo like a champ, but he was so surprised and happy to see how well I am responding to treatment.  He also smirked at me as he said, 'So I hear you are keeping up with your workouts'.  Clearly rumor of my chemo shenanigans is spreading through the hospital.

On this battlefield of cancer there are daily battles, most of which I win.  I won't say I win all of them because that would be a lie, but most of them I come out the victor.  Today was one of those days that takes ALL of the bad days and days of feeling shitty and bundles them up in a box and lights them on fire, or maybe blows them up!  Today was a REALLY good day!

I have a PET scan on 2/25 (next Tuesday) to see if there are any cancer cells remaining in my lymph nodes and to get an exact measurement of the tumor.  Dr. DeGeest said he wouldn't be surprised if the scan showed no cancer in my lymph nodes.  He is not the guy to go around making assumptions about anything, so while I'm not hanging my hat on that, I am really encouraged that he would even say something like that.

At this point chemo will be reviewed and determined round by round.  Round 5 is on March 6th, my brother's birthday.  Round 6 is tentative, but I don't mind going another round as it's working!  I'll go as many rounds as they let me if it results in this cancer being gone!

I still don't know what the future holds treatment wise.  Very likely it will be daily radiation (Mon-Fri) with weekly chemo at a much lower dose and only one drug for 4-6 weeks.  I am a planner so I'm really anxious to find out the plan.  But for now I am going to just celebrate the good news.

I can't think of a way to easily transition this from the above but part of my battlefield has included a most remarkable journey towards finding Christ, becoming a Christian.  I have had the honor and privilege of attending services at Salem Evangelical and Morning Side Community Church.  This Sunday I am going to Church on the Hill.  I so look forward to Sunday church services and have been praying that I find the right church, the church to call home.  On my way to my appointment this morning I turned the radio to 97.9 and this song came on:

 

I heard this song on Sunday at Morning Star and it gave me goosebumps then and it did again today (I love that feeling!).  As I got out of the truck and walked to the hospital I just prayed for healing.  This is new for me, praying, like really praying.  And based on today's appointment I like to say that my prayers were heard and answered!

I am still slowly working my way through the book Beautiful Battlefields, purposefully as I really want to take it all in.  I wrote down this quote from the author, Bo Stern because it just seemed to perfectly describe my experiences on this battlefield.

'But I'm learning that Jesus shows up when we let other people share the sacred spaces of our pain and joy and sorrow, and our willingness to be authentic gives everyone else permission to be authentic as well'

Oh I have More Than Hope, more now than ever before!

My Battlefield

I've debated on whether or not to share this but I am so excited, so amazed, so humbled by how God has shown up in my life recently, how He has spoken to me that I had to share.

I didn't grow up going to church, so my spirituality has always been something I've wanted to explore deeper but never have with any real conviction.  When Liam was born I felt a pull to find a church, go to church.  However I never moved forward, I think I always figured I had time.  I would get to it one of these days.  I didn't listen to what He was trying to tell me.

When I was diagnosed with cancer I felt another pull to really open my heart, my mind, my soul yet it seemed so daunting that I didn't act.  How would I find a church, where would I start, how would I let go of all the questions and just believe, believe in the mystery and the miracles without applying logic to everything?  During this, the darkest season of my life, how would I now pursue a relationship with Him when I felt so betrayed, so forgotten about.

Then my Aunt was struck by a brain aneurysm and I lost my beloved dog all in one day and I finally threw my hands up and cried and said I can't do this by myself.  I was so heart broken and yet I had this feeling that He was trying to tell me something.  Not that my Aunt or Remi were somehow punished by Him, but that He was reaching out, trying to tell me I didn't need to go through this by myself. 

So I listened and He spoke to me through a good friend who reached out and asked if I wanted to go to church with her. This past Sunday I went to church for the first time as an adult.  Here is where I don't even know how to describe my experience because words can't quite capture the feeling, the feeling of knowing He was speaking directly to me.  The message or sermon (still learning the right vocabulary here) was all about physical healing.  How people were healed through Christ of their physical aliments.  Testimony of how people at that very church beat cancer.  I was brought to tears, I had goosebumps.  I was listening and I'm so glad I was because He had so much to tell me, to show me.  I still get goosebumps thinking about it.

He continues to speak to me, to show up in small and big ways in my life and I suppose always has, I just wasn't listening before.  He spoke to me through another good friend who asked me to start reading Beautiful Battlefields (by Bo Stern) with her.  I just finished chapter three and one of the questions at the end of it was to think of all the ways, small and big, you have seen evidence God has gone before you.  I got me thinking about this past year, more so, and it overwhelms me to see how He has gone before me and provided in such a perfect way, providing me with everything I need, when I need it on my battlefield.  Cancer, my battlefield. 

I am trying not to rush this, I am taking time every day to really listen.  My current goal is to find a church that is the perfect fit for me.  I look forward to each Sunday because I am visiting various churches with good friends and I look forward to hearing what He has to tell me, seeing what He has to show me and growing a relationship with Him that I now so deeply crave.

I continue to wage a very personal war on my battlefield against cancer I leave you with a quote and a verse from Beautiful Battlefields because they spoke so profoundly to me.

"And He who is the great Giver of every good gift creates some of the most brilliant and beautiful things in the darkest, most daunting seasons" - Beautiful Battlefields

"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame" ROMANS 5:3-5

The Highs

The lows can get pretty low but the highs, oh the highs are so great and wonderful and fuel to get through the lows.  I worked out today and it was awesome!!  Third day this week, not sure I've done that since starting chemo.  I also worked out for 16 minutes in a row.  Also not sure I've done that since starting chemo.  My math skills have yielded the following equation: Chemo = WOD/2  That is, I generally do 1/2 of the prescribed work, in weight and reps and rounds and time.  I have to play it smart these days.  I purposefully don't push my body to THAT point anymore.  It takes me a VERY long time to recover, like hours when it used to be minutes.  I can no longer take the mind over matter (body) approach to workouts as I pay a dear price for it.  So instead I use my math and I do about 1/2 of what everyone else is doing and I generally still feel pretty damn beat up by it.  Not today though.  Today I felt great!  It could be because I kept repeating to myself 'You are never out of the fight' over and over and over.  Or maybe it's just because I deserved it, I needed it and so I ran with it, literally, there was running today. 

Never Out of the Fight

'But no matter how much it hurts, how dark it gets or no matter how far you fall, you are never out of the fight' - Marcus Luttrell

It's not the same, not even close, not at all, but after watching Lone Survivor last night (I read the book a few years ago as well) this kept running through my head and I just had to get it down in writing, to remember it, always.