Phenomenal

Phenomenal  The exact words my doctor used today to explain the results of my pelvic exam.  Phenomenal.  Dr. DeGeest is an amazing doctor, but not one to sugar coat anything, which I appreciate.  He is authentic yet hopeful. So when he uses words like phenomenal, you celebrate!

Today I strolled in to the Gyn Oncology building expecting just a routine exam, no news is good news kind of thing.  I was so wrong though.  I got so much more than that.  I got PHENOMENAL news!  My tumor has SHRUNK!  My cervix looks like that of a normal woman, not one with cancer and the tumor is so small that he cannot see it, only feel it.  I've had three pelvic exams since finding out I have cancer.  The first one was bad.  The tumor was visible by eyesight, my cervix was in bad shape, Dr. DeGeest was the only doctor that held out any hope for me.  Second exam, the tumor was still the same size but looked a lot better, my cervix looked a lot better.  Third exam, PHENOMENAL!  (I love how casually I can talk about my cervix now.  Like its just an arm or a leg.  Not that we shouldn't talk about cervix's, it just wasn't something I normally would blog about) .Not only was he impressed at my ability to handle chemo like a champ, but he was so surprised and happy to see how well I am responding to treatment.  He also smirked at me as he said, 'So I hear you are keeping up with your workouts'.  Clearly rumor of my chemo shenanigans is spreading through the hospital.

On this battlefield of cancer there are daily battles, most of which I win.  I won't say I win all of them because that would be a lie, but most of them I come out the victor.  Today was one of those days that takes ALL of the bad days and days of feeling shitty and bundles them up in a box and lights them on fire, or maybe blows them up!  Today was a REALLY good day!

I have a PET scan on 2/25 (next Tuesday) to see if there are any cancer cells remaining in my lymph nodes and to get an exact measurement of the tumor.  Dr. DeGeest said he wouldn't be surprised if the scan showed no cancer in my lymph nodes.  He is not the guy to go around making assumptions about anything, so while I'm not hanging my hat on that, I am really encouraged that he would even say something like that.

At this point chemo will be reviewed and determined round by round.  Round 5 is on March 6th, my brother's birthday.  Round 6 is tentative, but I don't mind going another round as it's working!  I'll go as many rounds as they let me if it results in this cancer being gone!

I still don't know what the future holds treatment wise.  Very likely it will be daily radiation (Mon-Fri) with weekly chemo at a much lower dose and only one drug for 4-6 weeks.  I am a planner so I'm really anxious to find out the plan.  But for now I am going to just celebrate the good news.

I can't think of a way to easily transition this from the above but part of my battlefield has included a most remarkable journey towards finding Christ, becoming a Christian.  I have had the honor and privilege of attending services at Salem Evangelical and Morning Side Community Church.  This Sunday I am going to Church on the Hill.  I so look forward to Sunday church services and have been praying that I find the right church, the church to call home.  On my way to my appointment this morning I turned the radio to 97.9 and this song came on:

 

I heard this song on Sunday at Morning Star and it gave me goosebumps then and it did again today (I love that feeling!).  As I got out of the truck and walked to the hospital I just prayed for healing.  This is new for me, praying, like really praying.  And based on today's appointment I like to say that my prayers were heard and answered!

I am still slowly working my way through the book Beautiful Battlefields, purposefully as I really want to take it all in.  I wrote down this quote from the author, Bo Stern because it just seemed to perfectly describe my experiences on this battlefield.

'But I'm learning that Jesus shows up when we let other people share the sacred spaces of our pain and joy and sorrow, and our willingness to be authentic gives everyone else permission to be authentic as well'

Oh I have More Than Hope, more now than ever before!

My Battlefield

I've debated on whether or not to share this but I am so excited, so amazed, so humbled by how God has shown up in my life recently, how He has spoken to me that I had to share.

I didn't grow up going to church, so my spirituality has always been something I've wanted to explore deeper but never have with any real conviction.  When Liam was born I felt a pull to find a church, go to church.  However I never moved forward, I think I always figured I had time.  I would get to it one of these days.  I didn't listen to what He was trying to tell me.

When I was diagnosed with cancer I felt another pull to really open my heart, my mind, my soul yet it seemed so daunting that I didn't act.  How would I find a church, where would I start, how would I let go of all the questions and just believe, believe in the mystery and the miracles without applying logic to everything?  During this, the darkest season of my life, how would I now pursue a relationship with Him when I felt so betrayed, so forgotten about.

Then my Aunt was struck by a brain aneurysm and I lost my beloved dog all in one day and I finally threw my hands up and cried and said I can't do this by myself.  I was so heart broken and yet I had this feeling that He was trying to tell me something.  Not that my Aunt or Remi were somehow punished by Him, but that He was reaching out, trying to tell me I didn't need to go through this by myself. 

So I listened and He spoke to me through a good friend who reached out and asked if I wanted to go to church with her. This past Sunday I went to church for the first time as an adult.  Here is where I don't even know how to describe my experience because words can't quite capture the feeling, the feeling of knowing He was speaking directly to me.  The message or sermon (still learning the right vocabulary here) was all about physical healing.  How people were healed through Christ of their physical aliments.  Testimony of how people at that very church beat cancer.  I was brought to tears, I had goosebumps.  I was listening and I'm so glad I was because He had so much to tell me, to show me.  I still get goosebumps thinking about it.

He continues to speak to me, to show up in small and big ways in my life and I suppose always has, I just wasn't listening before.  He spoke to me through another good friend who asked me to start reading Beautiful Battlefields (by Bo Stern) with her.  I just finished chapter three and one of the questions at the end of it was to think of all the ways, small and big, you have seen evidence God has gone before you.  I got me thinking about this past year, more so, and it overwhelms me to see how He has gone before me and provided in such a perfect way, providing me with everything I need, when I need it on my battlefield.  Cancer, my battlefield. 

I am trying not to rush this, I am taking time every day to really listen.  My current goal is to find a church that is the perfect fit for me.  I look forward to each Sunday because I am visiting various churches with good friends and I look forward to hearing what He has to tell me, seeing what He has to show me and growing a relationship with Him that I now so deeply crave.

I continue to wage a very personal war on my battlefield against cancer I leave you with a quote and a verse from Beautiful Battlefields because they spoke so profoundly to me.

"And He who is the great Giver of every good gift creates some of the most brilliant and beautiful things in the darkest, most daunting seasons" - Beautiful Battlefields

"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame" ROMANS 5:3-5

The Highs

The lows can get pretty low but the highs, oh the highs are so great and wonderful and fuel to get through the lows.  I worked out today and it was awesome!!  Third day this week, not sure I've done that since starting chemo.  I also worked out for 16 minutes in a row.  Also not sure I've done that since starting chemo.  My math skills have yielded the following equation: Chemo = WOD/2  That is, I generally do 1/2 of the prescribed work, in weight and reps and rounds and time.  I have to play it smart these days.  I purposefully don't push my body to THAT point anymore.  It takes me a VERY long time to recover, like hours when it used to be minutes.  I can no longer take the mind over matter (body) approach to workouts as I pay a dear price for it.  So instead I use my math and I do about 1/2 of what everyone else is doing and I generally still feel pretty damn beat up by it.  Not today though.  Today I felt great!  It could be because I kept repeating to myself 'You are never out of the fight' over and over and over.  Or maybe it's just because I deserved it, I needed it and so I ran with it, literally, there was running today. 

Never Out of the Fight

'But no matter how much it hurts, how dark it gets or no matter how far you fall, you are never out of the fight' - Marcus Luttrell

It's not the same, not even close, not at all, but after watching Lone Survivor last night (I read the book a few years ago as well) this kept running through my head and I just had to get it down in writing, to remember it, always.

Allowing Myself Bad Days

I've been really struggling these past few days and I have kept mostly quite about it because I kind of just wanted to have a bad day, or a few bad days.  It's exhausting being positive all the time.  I know that sounds bad, but its true.  There are days when I really am positive and strong and awesome, more days than not.  There are days when I fake it until I believe it.  And then there are days when I'm emotionally and mentally just low.  I selfishly keep these days mostly to myself (can't hide from everyone though, Matt sees right through me) because I don't want anyone to try and cheer me up.  I don't want anyone to tell me how strong I am, tell me what an inspiration I am, tell me at least you __fill in the blank__.  I know I'm strong, I know I'm going to be okay, but in these moments, these days, I just want to allow myself, and be allowed, to feel how I feel.

I don't complain often, I don't want to.  I am positive, I am a fighter, I am strong, but right now I just want to complain for a few minutes.  Crossfit has been a big part of my life for over three years and has always been a place of empowerment.  Even on bad days in the gym I knew I was making progress, getting stronger, better.  It's different now though.  I'm not getting stronger.  I am getting weaker and at first it was humbling.  Now it is frustrating and annoying and maddening and stupid.  The chemo treatments are eating away at my muscle and taking away my lung capacity.  I LITERALLY cannot do today what I could do two months ago, and it pisses me off!  It's not a matter of working harder, mind over body; it's out of my control and I'm struggling with it.  Here is where someone says, yes but at least you are going.  And this is where I roll my eyes because they just don't get it.  I was always going, not going isn't an option.  Just let me be frustrated, you would be too.

I also have to deal with this pesky thing called phlebitis.  Basically, the veins where I've had chemo get hard and swollen and tender and red and inflamed.  It hurts to hold anything, to even have a sleeve touch my arm.  It seems to happen randomly, although is possibly tied to pull-ups.  I basically end up doing everything with one arm until it goes away because it is that painful.  The alternative is getting a port put in, a permanent line in my chest.  I only have three more rounds to go for the current course of treatment so I am going to be stubborn and stick it out, for now.

I wake up and my eyes are filled with eyelashes and eyebrows.  It hurts, it never feels good to have an eyelash in your eye, let alone several at a time.  And I never seem to catch them to make a wish, they are in my eye and then they are gone.  My head is constantly irritated, like my skin and the few hairs I have left are at war with each other.  It hurts, its annoying, it makes me self conscious.  My nose is painfully dry, bleeds every day.  I'm tired during the day and have insomnia at night.  I isolate myself because I don't have the energy to go do much and then I sit and few bad about the fact that I feel isolated.

I'm restless, I'm done, I want to move on.  I'm a planner and a control freak.  I don't know what's next after chemo round 6 is over and it really bothers me.  Radiation? Sure, but how much, for how long and when? More chemo?  Maybe.  Surgery? Unsure.

In my mind I've beaten this so why can't I just move on? 

I feel better.  I do.  I needed to vent, to be mad and upset and annoyed and sad and lonely.  If you know me at all, if you get me at all, then you know that this just needed to happen.  I just needed to lose my shit so that I can get my shit back together again and have a better day tomorrow. 

I am allowing myself to have these feelings, have a bad day and unfortunately that means all of you have to allow it as well.  Sometimes, being there for someone just means allowing them to feel what it is they are feeling without trying to fix it or make the feelings go away.  Its not easy, but it is appreciated.

As always, More Than Hope!  Halfway done with this chemo, no idea what's next, but I have More Than Hope.

On The Fighters Spirit

Life is filled with people who for a specific reason, season or lifetime enter our lives and leave such a lasting impact on us that we never forget them.  I have so many of these such people that I can't possibly write about each of them, but I am confident they know who they are and are okay with that.  In this season of my life, the cancer season, I have met so many people who love and support our family.  I have met cancer survivors and fighters, amazing people all around me.

During chemo round 2 I met Juan.  He smiled and laughed while I did my pistol picture, told me he would work out with me and we discovered we would have chemo together today.

 I packed up the dumbbells from CFS and headed in to chemo today having no idea the experience I would have.  Juan and his wife were there as promised and we all moved to a new area so we could sit together and talk.  Cindy, Kristina, and I joked around with Juan, laughed, acted like idiots, made chemo gang signs, took funny pictures, trash talked over who would finish chemo first (I finally won!) and made the most of what I refuse to allow to be a sad day.  

Quick set of 5 curls with our good/non-IV arms

Feel the burn!

My chemo gang sign (I had 3 chemo drugs, he only had 2).

Apparently his sad face from losing to me during chemo today!

Chemo day is just another day and one that is positive and ridiculous in a what lifts can I do with an IV pole kind of way.  However as I talked with Juan I learned that chemo day is also about chance encounters and meeting people who are fighters, fighters like me.  See we had all assumed Juan wasn't in there for something all that serious (on the cancer scale of seriousness that is).  He was too happy, too outgoing.  He just didn't act the part, the cancer part.  However it turns out that over a year ago Juan was diagnosed with brain, lung and bone cancer.  His doctor told him it was terminal and as he was checked in to the ICU they told him he wouldn't be leaving there alive.  As he is telling me this he looks me in the eye and told me 'I told them, I'm going home, I'm leaving here'.  As we talked he would look at me and say things like 'You and me, we're fighters, we will be ok'.  

He had radiation on his brain, lungs and hips and today was his fourth and final round of chemo for this treatment. He found out yesterday that he has NO tumors left in his brain, all but two very small spots are gone in his lung.  He is a fighter and fought and is winning!  Juan is an inspiration to me and I'm sure to the girls (Cindy and Kristina) and I hope is a mirror reflection of me and the fighter I know I am.  His energy was so positive and uplifting and it was so obvious that he embodies the fighters spirit.  I know Juan will be a friend for life and I so grateful that someone like him crossed my path.

Guardian Angel Puppy

This post has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Remi.  I am not rushing the grieving process, just letting it wash over me as it will.  Tonight I was overwhelmed with memories of Remi.  When we first adopted her Matt and I both fully admitted that we were a bit nervous about owning a pitbull.  However, she quickly showed us her heart was way more fierce and loyal than any other part of her body.  Because of Remi we got involved with a shelter based in Portland, Family Dogs New Life.  Because of Remi the following dogs were all brought in to the Gill household, loved on, cared for, provided some obedience, all to help them find their forever homes.  Each time I get sad I think of the lives she saved by being her and I can't help but think she is the Guardian Angel Puppy of the Gill household and for all of these foster dogs.  I just wanted to take a moment to share with everyone else as I sit and remember and miss our sweet Remi girl.

Jojo - our first foster dog. We eased in to the experience with a puppy.  Although I'm not sure you ease in to anything with a puppy.

Our second foster dog Nena.

Our third foster dog Kenna

Our forth foster dog Fanny (I fell in love with her while watching her try to steal a hamburger at an adoption event, I HAD to foster her after that!)

Our fifth foster dog Sweet Mama

Unfortunately I can't seem to find a picture of our sixth foster dog Twinkie.  We also helped foster number 7 and 8 (puppies again!).  Awful picture of the puppies but sweet one of my dogs

Thank you Remi for being you, for being am amazing ambassadog for pitbull and pitbull mix dogs everywhere.  There is a huge hole in our house and in our hearts, we miss you every day.