I've been really struggling these past few days and I have kept mostly quite about it because I kind of just wanted to have a bad day, or a few bad days. It's exhausting being positive all the time. I know that sounds bad, but its true. There are days when I really am positive and strong and awesome, more days than not. There are days when I fake it until I believe it. And then there are days when I'm emotionally and mentally just low. I selfishly keep these days mostly to myself (can't hide from everyone though, Matt sees right through me) because I don't want anyone to try and cheer me up. I don't want anyone to tell me how strong I am, tell me what an inspiration I am, tell me at least you __fill in the blank__. I know I'm strong, I know I'm going to be okay, but in these moments, these days, I just want to allow myself, and be allowed, to feel how I feel.
I don't complain often, I don't want to. I am positive, I am a fighter, I am strong, but right now I just want to complain for a few minutes. Crossfit has been a big part of my life for over three years and has always been a place of empowerment. Even on bad days in the gym I knew I was making progress, getting stronger, better. It's different now though. I'm not getting stronger. I am getting weaker and at first it was humbling. Now it is frustrating and annoying and maddening and stupid. The chemo treatments are eating away at my muscle and taking away my lung capacity. I LITERALLY cannot do today what I could do two months ago, and it pisses me off! It's not a matter of working harder, mind over body; it's out of my control and I'm struggling with it. Here is where someone says, yes but at least you are going. And this is where I roll my eyes because they just don't get it. I was always going, not going isn't an option. Just let me be frustrated, you would be too.
I also have to deal with this pesky thing called phlebitis. Basically, the veins where I've had chemo get hard and swollen and tender and red and inflamed. It hurts to hold anything, to even have a sleeve touch my arm. It seems to happen randomly, although is possibly tied to pull-ups. I basically end up doing everything with one arm until it goes away because it is that painful. The alternative is getting a port put in, a permanent line in my chest. I only have three more rounds to go for the current course of treatment so I am going to be stubborn and stick it out, for now.
I wake up and my eyes are filled with eyelashes and eyebrows. It hurts, it never feels good to have an eyelash in your eye, let alone several at a time. And I never seem to catch them to make a wish, they are in my eye and then they are gone. My head is constantly irritated, like my skin and the few hairs I have left are at war with each other. It hurts, its annoying, it makes me self conscious. My nose is painfully dry, bleeds every day. I'm tired during the day and have insomnia at night. I isolate myself because I don't have the energy to go do much and then I sit and few bad about the fact that I feel isolated.
I'm restless, I'm done, I want to move on. I'm a planner and a control freak. I don't know what's next after chemo round 6 is over and it really bothers me. Radiation? Sure, but how much, for how long and when? More chemo? Maybe. Surgery? Unsure.
In my mind I've beaten this so why can't I just move on?
I feel better. I do. I needed to vent, to be mad and upset and annoyed and sad and lonely. If you know me at all, if you get me at all, then you know that this just needed to happen. I just needed to lose my shit so that I can get my shit back together again and have a better day tomorrow.
I am allowing myself to have these feelings, have a bad day and unfortunately that means all of you have to allow it as well. Sometimes, being there for someone just means allowing them to feel what it is they are feeling without trying to fix it or make the feelings go away. Its not easy, but it is appreciated.
As always, More Than Hope! Halfway done with this chemo, no idea what's next, but I have More Than Hope.
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