Being Defined

I get really awkward when I meet a cancer survivor.  They can spot me in a crowd pretty well now, tend to come up to me, tell me about their story, their hair loss, their survival.  Their rounds, their doctors, their diet, their pain.  I never know what to say though.  I'm clearly part of this whole cancer club.  I didn't ask to be part of it, but I'm part of it nonetheless.  Those whose memberships have been upgraded to gold plated survivor are quick to welcome new members, offer words of wisdom, give a quick look that all too quickly expresses pain, suffering, strength and survival.  They are great and yet I am so awkward.  I don't know what to say.  I don't want to be one of them.  I'm not the same, I'm not one of them. I'm not cancer.  

I'm not defined by this yet whenever I meet a survivor I feel like they are the quickest to define me in terms of cancer.  Stage.  Round.  Hair loss. Doctors. Chemo. Date of diagnosis.  Remaining treatments.  All just ways of defining me in terms of cancer.  They mean well. They have survived and that's amazing and a miracle and at the same time I can't help but shy away, get awkward.  I don't know what to say, what to ask.  I don't want to be talking about cancer with complete strangers.  It becomes so personal so quickly.  Like they know.  They know a secret that is between just them and me and we have this club and I just don't know how to handle it yet.  

I guess in the end, being defined by cancer from cancer survivors is no better than being defined by it from anyone else.  And maybe what I struggle with the most is that these survivors likely know people that weren't lucky enough to join their ranks and when they look at me I can see that in their eyes and I don't want to see that.  I don't want shared pain, I don't want those looks that last one second too long that hold such sympathy and emotion.  

I don't mind my bald head but I mind those eyes and those looks.  They light a fire in me though because anything that looks like pity is fuel.  Pity, sorrow, just makes me cringe.  I hate it.  I don't want it and I suppose survivors offer it because who would ever want anyone to go through this kind of a hell? They unfortunately know it better than anyone else and they can't hide it in their eyes.  I want to be a survivor but I don't want that to be the definition of who I am and so I find myself hiding away from anyone in the know.  I feel badly for it.  I know there is much to be gained from all of the stories of strength and survival, it's just so very awkward for me right now.  

I'm just sick of this whole cancer thing already.  I am so done with thinking and talking about cancer and yet my coversations, my thoughts always end up right back here.  

I'll be an amazing survivor and I'm sure I'll have the same eyes and the same look that makes me feel so awkward right now and I'll laugh as I read back to this post and think what an idiot I am to have even been bothered by any of this.  I have no doubts about it.