This week started off with a sucker punch to the gut . I wish I had some deep insight in to the meaning of it all, the reason for it, but I don't. I don't know why my aunt was stricken by a brain aneurysm but I do know she is a fighter and is making great progress and I have faith that she will make a full recovery. I don't know why in the same day our sweet Remi girl was taken from us. I'm heart broken, I can't get the image of her lying limp in the doorway, gasping for a breath out of my head. It hurts so terribly bad. She was such a sweet, gentle, carefree, young (only 4) soul. It kind of feels like the universe was like, whelp you are handling this whole cancer thing a little too well so lets see how you handle this! I'm sure that's not the case, but that's what it felt like.
I've given up trying to understand the whys behind everything. It's not a pretty road to go down and isn't very helpful in the end. There is so much in this world that we will just never understand and this week was a not so polite reminder of that. In all of this I refuse to feel sorry for myself. It honestly isn't even a feeling I have to fight to not feel. This is my reality, each day, each moment is what it is going to be. Not every moment is good, some cause pain, but more are good than aren't. I'm rambling, I've been at a loss for words lately, but my father-in-law said something to me that really stuck. You are either a fighter or you aren't. I can't explain how I've been able to stay positive during these past two months, I honestly don't know. But I think it comes down to that, it comes down to the fact that I am a fighter. My heart still hurts, I miss that sweet little dog so much. I visit her little grave in our backyard every day and talk to her. But I'm a fighter and while I can't understand why she was taken away from us, I do know that the only thing in my control is my attitude and my fight. The hurt fuels the fight.
I turn 30 in two days and my birthday this year also marks two months exactly from when I was diagnosed. Today I received the best present I could ask for, good news! Finally! It has been two months since we have received ANY good news as it relates to this whole stupid cancer thing. On Saturday I turn 30, I'll be bald, but I am well on my way to winning this fight! My doctor was unable to feel the lymph node in my neck. This was a lump every doctor was able to feel immediately and spent lots of time comparing to the one on the right side. Today he couldn't feel it. That means it has shrunk, which means the cancer cells are responding to chemo. That is the BEST news we could have received today! My tumor, while still the same size, looks better and my cervix is returning to more of a normal state, which means the tumor is responding to chemo as well. My doctor left the room smiling! When you are 29 and diagnosed with cancer like mine, doctors don't smile all that often. I still have more chemo and radiation and possibly surgery down the road but I'm winning and will continue fighting with everything I have.
Sweet Remi girl, we miss you and love you so much. May you Rest in Peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment