Anger Fuels The Fight

I stated in my post yesterday, my words aren't always going to be easy to read.  I just ask that no matter what I write, don't pity me.  Don't baby me.  Don't allow me to falter in my fight against this stupid cancer.  Don't take my honesty of emotions as defeat.  Its just that, honesty.  

My days are such a roller coaster of emotions.  When I get to the end I am exhausted.  To go from laughing with Liam, to wondering how many years I'll have with him in a matter of a minute is very tiring.  I'm in such conflict because I can't help but feel scared, angry, heart broken, confused, betrayed.  Yet every time those emotions start to take over I push them away because to feel them, to really feel them isn't something I'm ready for.  If I'm scared how can I can strong?  If I'm sad how can I be confident that I'll beat this whole stupid, awful, unfair, sneaky bastard called cancer. 

If it's possible I think I'm dealing with all five stages of grief all at once.  I'm still in shock.  This just feels like an awful nightmare I can't wake up from.  I'm angry.  I'm angry for my son who deserves to have a mom.  I'm angry for my husband who deserves to have a wife.  I'm angry for myself because I deserve to live a long healthy life with my husband and my son.  I'm angry for my family, my friends.  I'm angry.  I keep asking why me?  What did I or didn't I do that caused this to happen?  At times I am overwhelmed with sadness.  For Liam, for Matt, for myself, for my family, for my friends, for myself.  I have not accepted it though.  I'm not there yet.

I keep thinking that once treatment starts things will feel real.  Once my health starts to suffer due to chemo and radiation I'll get it, I'll accept it, I'll find some kind of peace with it.  I don't want to accept it though and I don't want to find peace with it.  I don't want to be defined by it, I don't want my life to be dictated by it.  I hate cancer.  I hate that it is on my mind more than it's not.  I hate what it's doing to the people I love.  I hate what it's doing to me.  I hate that every day, every hour, every minute is consumed with this stupid cancer.  I don't have a good way to end this post.  I don't have feel good words.  I'm angry.  Anger fuels the fight though.