Maybe I Have Dealt With It

I keep thinking that maybe I'm still stuck in the first stage of grief, denial.  I find myself just living life as normal.  I know having your husband shave your head at 12:30am on a Friday night isn't normal, but its my new normal.  I get up every day and live life.  I talk about cancer a lot but I don't find myself being scared of cancer anymore.  It just seems like something I have to do.  Chemo is something I have to do.  Beating cancer is something I have to do.  Just like eating, breathing, sleeping.  Just something I have to do.  Maybe it means I haven't dealt with it, but then again, maybe I have dealt with it.  Maybe instead of being stuck in denial I've moved all the way to acceptance.  I have accepted that I have been given the challenge of beating cancer and I will.  Maybe I've accepted that the worse I feel, the better I'm getting. 

I find myself getting ready for my next round of chemo just like I would get ready for a competition.  I am preparing mentally, stocking up on the meds I'll need, getting in workouts while I feel good, getting good sleep.  I am preparing for my next round chemo as my next round of battle.  On Thursday, at 7:30 am I go to battle.  Not my first time and not my last time, but I go to battle nonetheless.  So maybe I have accepted it and I just didn't realize it.  Or maybe I'm crazy.  Or maybe it's both. 

I got this in a message from a friend tonight: God only gives us what we can handle.  Too bad he knows you're strong.

I'm bald, have a fresh tattoo and am ready for round 2.