It isn't always deep

Cancer isn't always deep, philosophical, meaningful thought.  Sometimes it is but sometimes it road rage and inappropriate crying and top ramen and more road rage.  

I'm sitting here smiling because the emotional roller coaster that was today was a bit surprising and it has to be somewhat comical, otherwise this is going to be a long road! I don't feel well, I have a sore throat, my nose is dry and lined with blood, my stomach is less than iron and I feel like I have a bad case of the alcohol induced spins but haven't had any booze.  I don't know what is chemo, what is just sickness and what sickness may be because I had chemo.  What I do know is that this morning was filled with snuggles and book reading and being fed mushed leftover eggs and taking a toddler given sponge bath with the wash cloth I cleaned his breakfast off of him with.

I was force fed those eggs on his tray.

I didn't feel well but I was at peace with it.  I had Liam and he was being super sweet and it was just a day.  Then 1:00pm came.  I had a doctors appointment at 1:15, luckily Liam stayed home with his Nana.  I got in the car and immediately turned in to a road rage fool! Like I couldn't believe how mad I was getting over the stupid drivers out there.  At one point, when everyone was literally doing 10mph UNDER the speed limit I wished OUTLOUD that I could drive a monster truck and physically crush all of the people on the road that were out there to make me mad today.  Realizing it must be the steroids I have to take (I was warned about this) I quickly changed the radio from a upbeat country tune to Jesus music.  It didn't help.

I took some deep breaths, chugged along and managed to get to the hospital without hurting anyone.  I got in line for the elevator, crammed in with all the happy people and waited until we got to the 4th floor.  A little old lady assumed she would be the only one getting off and was surprised when I exited first.  29 years don't normally get off on the hematology oncology floor.  I walked in, waited to check in for my appointment, all the while having to physically calm myself, not sure from what.  I tell her my name, she scans her computer and then tells me my appointment is tomorrow.  Tomorrow! I kid you not, I started bawling.  Right there in front of everyone, melt down city.  It may have been because I secretly thought they could give me a magical shot that would make me feel better, I'm not sure.  But I cried way harder than anyone who is told their appointment is the next day should cry.

So I sanitize my hands in the hallway station, grab some tissue and take my blubbering mess of a self back to my car.  People are staring.  They probably assume I was just given some awful news.  It's awkward, I don't care.  I make it to my car and road rage hits again but now my thoughts are consumed with top ramen.  Thoughts like, is it possible top ramen could actually be good for me? Is there an alternate universe in which maybe it's NOT filled with chemicals and bad things, and maybe cancer is a good thing? Because now all I want is top ramen, the chicken flavor, and it almost makes me cry harder, no it did make me cry harder, because I know top ramen isn't good, so I drove to Jamba Juice.  

Moral of today's story? Steroids are bad.